Oh, tiarariffic: Middle Earth is doomed
by BloomBabes
Summary: It's going to be axe-wieldingly, fire-brandishingly, Lorealf-ingly, umbrella-hitting-groin-ingly fun when three crazed teenagers and their friends take on Middle Earth! And Legolas begins his quest to find out what a skater boy really is.
1. Entry to Middle Earth

WE'RE BAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_Did you miss us?_

Miss _you_, Erin? Nah...

_Due to a gross miscarriage of justice - _

Woah, Erin, long word...

_...our award-winning story was removed from _

Actually it's Erin's fault, she failed to read the guidelines properly.

_Oh, shut up. Anyway, Mellon is back and this time it's personal._

We'd be very grateful for your reviews, we'd like to exceed our previous total of 76 reviews on 7 chapters. And do you wanna know why we updated it today?

_No_

Well, you're going to find out. IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! I'M 15, FINALLY!!!

_Well anyway, here goes... once again, enjoy!_

Oh, and before they delete this again: WE OWN NADA. Oh, apart from Vee, Saz, Dani, Holly and Laura and anyone else who pops up along the way that you don't recognise.

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"Movie's going to start! Movie's going to start! Hurry up!"

"Keep your hair on, we're coming," Vee shouted from the kitchen. A few moments later Dani came in.

"So, what are we watching, Saz?" she asked.

"Wait and find out." They were going to watch Saz's all-time favourite film, Lord of the Rings. Vee loved it too, but only because it had Legolas and Frodo in it. But Dani, she detested it, she loathed it, she hated it more than Vee hates being in a room with no mirrors, and that's saying something. Dani also had an extreme dislike of hobbits, and some very original ideas of what to do to them; not nice ones, either.

"OK," Vee said, coming in from the kitchen. "I have popcorn, Coke and more popcorn."

"Great!" Dani's hand snaked forward and grabbed the bag of popcorn. Vee pushed the video into the player and hit play on the remote, fast-forwarding through all the boring film trailers to…

"The world has changed…"

Dani's eager face fell as The Lord of the Rings appeared on-screen.

"Oh no!" she cried. "Anything, anything but this!"

"Snogging Gandalf?"

"This, this, always this!" Dani changed her mind hastily.

Sarah stole a glance at the others as Gandalf drove through the Shire. Dani was slumped so low in her chair she was practically lying down, looking more bored than in a Maths lesson; however, Vee was sitting bolt upright, eyes glued to the screen.

"Can we fast-forward, please, please?" Dani begged.

"No!" Sarah yelled.

"Yes!" Vee shrieked.

"What? Why?"

"We need to get to Legolas! Please!"

"No!" Sarah shouted, and sat on the remote control.

A few minutes later it came to the scene where Merry and Pippin were stealing fireworks. However, instead of Gandalf catching them, the hobbits walked right up to the screen and started tapping it.

"I don't remember this bit," Vee glanced at Saz.

"Must be one of those special additional feature thingmys," Saz replied.

"Look at those people in there, Pippin!" Merry pointed, it seemed, at the three perplexed girls on the sofa.

"Do you think they're stuck, Merry?" Pippin replied.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Pippin?"

"That depends on whether it's got anything to do with food."

"No, the plan!"

"Ah, the plan." And with that four hobbit hands emerged from the screen. Dani and Vee looked at each other and screamed. Saz screamed too, but she was screaming "Take me, take me!"

The hands grabbed on to everybody's ankles and gripped on tight. Saz went without a fight; Vee practically leaped through the screen, energised by the prospect of Legolas and Frodo at close quarters; yet Dani was clinging on to the sofa cushions for dear life, fighting tooth and nail not to be dragged into Middle Earth.

"No, never! Please! Take the others, not me!!!" Dani screamed. However, she was struggling in vain and was soon sucked into the screen.

All three girls were screaming for their lives. Everything morphed into a swirl. Suddenly there was a gigantic bang and everything went black.

When Saz awoke, she was bemused to find herself lying against a rock. "Rock?" she thought. "There are no rocks in my living room. OK, slightly weird." As her eyes grew less hazy, they focused with fright upon a sword millimetres from her neck.

"Jesus Christ, point that somewhere else!" she yelled, and scrambled backwards.

"State your name," the owner of the sword growled in a deep masculine voice.

"Sarah, and you are?"

The man glared at her with unblinking cold blue eyes for a few moments. Saz tensed herself, ready to run, but he sheathed the sword and instead held out a hand. Saz shook it.

"Strider," he replied.

"Strider…hmm, that name sounds familiar…Oh my God, it's you, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Estel, E-"

"Shut up!" Aragorn's voice echoed around the clearing, stirring Dani, who awoke for a few seconds, before groaning and falling back unconscious. Vee, however, never moved.

"Your presence here is suspicious," Aragorn said. His hand moved to the hilt of his sword.

"Well, um… er… well…you see…" Saz stammered. She was saved by the arrival of four hobbits, who she recognised immediately.

"Oh my God, it's you! Frodo, Sam! Merry, Pippin!" she screeched.

The hobbits stopped in bewilderment.

"Wait… how did you know our names?" Sam said suspiciously.

"Um… lucky guess?" Saz lied. Surprisingly, they believed her.

"Frodo, Sam, take the sleeping girls," then Aragorn pointed ominously at Saz. "And you… you're coming with me."

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Like it? Course you did. Review!!!!


	2. Frodo, I Love You

Hey, it's us again. You're probably really bored of us by now. Well, we're bored of school.

_DISCLAIMER: NOTHING IS OURS!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Erin bursts into tears_

Not again! Just read the story!!!!! Ignore Erin, she has issues.

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As the hobbits, Aragorn and the girls rode from the clearing, Aragorn turned to Saz.

"Explain yourself."

Saz tried a sweet smile. "Um… it has a lot to do with Merry and Pippin."

"Oh, that." Aragorn accepted the explanation. Saz felt bewildered. What did everyone know that she didn't?

They had been riding in silence for around four hours before they came to another clearing, and Saz was so saddle-sore she demanded they stop for a rest.

"Aragorn – STOP!"

He did so, hauling on his horse's reins. "Why?" he questioned. "If we carry on we shall arrive before sundown.

Saz knew he was talking about Rivendell, but before she could get excited she realised there were more pressing issues on her mind.

"Well, look, Aragorn, we're all tired and the hobbits are practically falling off their ponies," she lied.

"No we're mmpff mmpff mmpfff," Pippin began before Saz rapidly shot her hand over his mouth.

Aragorn regarded the hobbits thoughtfully. "Yes," he agreed. "We must stop."

The hobbits unloaded their ponies and Frodo, with some difficulty, lifted Vee down, staggering beneath the weight. Vee suddenly awoke, and gazed up in adoration at the face of the hobbit of her dreams.

"Frodo! I love you!" she gushed. Frodo dropped her in shock and the rest of the camp promptly burst into laughter.

"Most people just say hi," Frodo complained as Vee picked herself up. She had landed on his foot.

During the commotion, Dani stirred and woke up. "Oh nooo! This is a dream, this is a dream, this is a very bad dream," she murmured as she realised where she was. She pinched herself. "Damn…it's not a dream."

She sat up, and spotted Frodo nursing his foot. "Hobbits!" she said to herself. "A perfect victim if ever there was one."

She laughed to herself. "Oh, Frodo…."

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REVIEW!!!!!!


	3. Grave Peril

Hello.

Thanks very much to our 3 reviewers. Come on people, last time we had 76!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is approximately 25 times MORE than this!!!!!!

You guys can do so much better. Oh, and if anybody has the Two Towers extended you have to watch disc 4 cause there's a bit when one of the random stunt guys headbutts Legolas…

Oh, if only I was an ugly stunt guy… I could headbutt Legolas…

Oh and also in the extended watch the bit where they are running and just watch the ever graceful elf Legolas, cause its really cool.

REVIEW PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

* * *

There was perfect silence in Rivendell, then a faint noise was carried on the breeze – the sound of hooves. Occasionally, there was a slight thud as Vee fell off her horse.

They were just nearing the great house when descending down the steps was a male and female elf. Vee skirted round to where Saz was standing next to Aragorn.

"Who are they?" Vee whispered. Saz looked completely amazed that Vee didn't recognise them.

"Honestly, it's Arwen and Elrond," Saz explained, exasperated.

"How do you know that?" Aragorn asked. She groaned inwardly.

"Read the book, seen the film."

"Book? Film!?"

"Never mind."

"Welcome to Rivendell," Elrond spoke in a calm, soothing voice. "Welcome, Aragorn. Who are these you bring with you?"

"This is Saz, Vee and Da – Da…….. Dani?" He looked round. "Where is Dani?" he snapped.

Saz turned to Vee. "Do you see hobbits?"

Vee began to panic. "No!"

Saz calmly looked at Aragorn. "Dani's gone, hobbits are gone." Aragorn's face turned into a mask of terror.

"What is the importance of this girl going –" Arwen was interrupted by Elrond snapping, "You lost the hobbits?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, the hobbits are kind of important in this story!!"

"Yeah…and let's just say Dani….doesn't like hobbits," Saz said. "In fact, she hates them."

"And the hobbits are in grave peril!!" Vee squeaked hysterically.

Elrond's face set. "Then we must aid them."

Half and hour and one elf army later, they were still no closer to finding the missing hobbits, and Dani. Vee had worked herself up into such a panic she was skitting round the army like a butterfly on drugs – not a pretty sight.

Periodically, she would burst into fresh screams of terror and grab unsuspecting elves by the shoulder and shake them until she had to be restrained by Aragorn.

"Noooooooo!" she screamed. "Let me find Frodo! Frodo's in trouble! Where is he? Let me help!!!!!"

"Shut up!" an elf shouted. "I can hear something!"

"Yeah, it's this thing screaming," yelled Aragorn as he struggled to hold Vee.

"No, something else…"

There was silence for a moment, then as Vee's brain struggled to catch up with the situation, she protested, "I'm not a thing!!"

"Shh!"

Silence…….then a voice was heard yelling "Snap!"

Vee started struggling again to free herself. " Mfdani'ff ffgoinf ffrto fffnap ffeir legff off!" she said indistinctly.

"What the-" Aragorn turned to Saz.

"She said 'Dani's going to snap their legs off,'" Saz translated in a bored voice.

The elven army tensed their bows as one and took a step forward.

"I think a few of us should go forward – NOT Vee," Elrond suggested before Vee got too excited.

"I'll go," Saz said.

"I'm going too," Vee said stubbornly, having managed to escape from Aragorn.

"No, you're not," Elrond dismissed her.

"Yes, I am."

"Before this gets too boring," Saz yelled over the noise, "I know how stubborn Vee is – let's just let her come."

They made their way through the undergrowth, pausing just a few feet away from where Dani and the hobbits were…

…playing cards.

"Now, I want you both to –" Elrond began.

"FFFFFFFRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOODDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"…be quiet…" Elrond finished.

"Nice try," Saz addressed Elrond as Vee went crashing through the undergrowth.

Dani and the hobbits looked up. Frodo stood up to get out the way, but too late. Vee had already thrown herself on him, and had been dropped, landing, inevitably, on his foot.

* * *

You'd better enjoy this chapter because Vee almost deleted it when the computer very nearly crashed.

Also, the spell-check on this computer thinks Frodo's name is Freda. So if you see anyone called Freda, you know who we're on about.

REVIEW PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	4. Yesterday's News

Hey guys, we're in a rush so just thanks for all reviews and keep it up!!

* * *

After the excitements of the previous day, Dani had been locked in the dungeons of Rivendell for wasting elven time. Vee had narrowly escaped this fate on the grounds that she had been acting under the influence of love.

Some guests had been invited to Rivendell that evening. Vee and Saz were sat among the hobbits. Frodo was attempting to keep away from Vee in the politest way possible.

Saz, Merry, Pippin and Sam were discussing who the guests would be.

"Oh, come on, it's going to be Legolas," Saz said.

"Legless? Legless who?" Pippin said, looking around for any conspicuous monopods.

"LEGOLAS Legolas, you know?" Saz replied.

"Legolas Legolas?" Pippin asked. "That reminds me of a guy I used to know, name of Steven Stevens –" Pippin stopped abruptly as Saz hit him around the head.

"Wow, that's good to watch from the outside for once," Vee observed.

Pippin picked himself up off the floor. "Ow!!"

"You deserved it," Saz growled as somebody tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around to find herself face to face with the fantastic sight of an elf with long blond hair and blue eyes. It was –

"Legolas Greenleaf, son of Thranduil, Prince of Mirkwood!" Saz heard a loud clang behind her as Vee dropped her goblet and an "Ow!!" as it landed heavily on Frodo's foot.

There was a slightly embarrassed pause. "Well, yes, I am, but really, I'm supposed to say that," Legolas objected.

Vee looked at Frodo. "Sorry, Frodo, you're yesterday's news." Frodo looked elated.

"Legolas!!!" Vee made for the elf, but Saz dragged her back by a strand of her hair. Vee whirled around.

"Oh. My. God. I cannot believe you were stupid enough to just do that," Vee snarled.

Saz held her at arm's length. "Well, I am!"

Frodo sidled up to Legolas. "Um, Legless…"

"It's LegOHlas."

"Right. Leglything, if Vee has decided you're her new love interest, I would advise you to buy some very thick shoes."

Legolas looked perplexed. "Why?"

Frodo gave him a grimace of painful memory. "You'll find out. So, tell me… do Elves bruise easily?"


	5. Dani in the Dungeon

Come on people, by this time last time we had 22 reviews! That's 6 more than now! TRY HARDER PEOPLE!

Erin, they won't review if you're evil…

You know I've just noticed that the last line is the same as a Good Charlotte song.

_SHUT UP ABOUT GOOD CHARLOTTE!_

Just cause you're still mourning the tragic demise of Busted.

_SHUT UP!_

She's a little upset.

DISCLAIMER: We do not own Lord of the Rings or any of the characters. We do not own James Bond or the theme tune. We do not own Avril Lavigne or her song Skater Boi.

We are not JRR Tolkein, Ian Fleming, Avril Lavigne, God or Jesus. Valar help you if you thought we were; you are almost insane enough to write a story like this. Well, Erin is definitely insane as she wrote in her history book that Ian Fleming (who wrote James Bond) discovered penicillin (his name was actually Alexander Fleming).

Anyway,on with the story….

* * *

After the feast had ended, Vee was again being restrained by Aragorn, who was contemplating buying her a cage. Saz was keeping Legolas well away. He was asking about their journey.

"Well, we're here… for some reason," Saz began.

"Who's 'we'?" Legolas asked.

"Well, me, and Vee…"

"Vee?"

"Yeah, you know, the…" Saz struggled for some inoffensive words, as Vee was in earshot.

"The crazy one?" Legolas suggested, jerking his thumb back at Vee, who appeared to be wrestling with Aragorn.

"Yeah," Saz nodded. "And Dani."

"Dani? Who's she? I don't believe I've met her."

"Well, no," Saz looked uncomfortable. "She's in the dungeons. There was a bit of a misunderstanding."

Legolas looked confused.

"Involving hobbits, cards, Vee, and the entire elven army."

"Oh."

"Dani doesn't do things on a small scale, you see."

Legolas backtracked. "You say she's in the dungeons?"

"Yeah."

"We must save her!"

Saz considered. "OK…I'm listening."

Legolas continued, "OK. Just you, me, and I suppose we'd better take Vee."

Aragorn was more than happy to release Vee, so the three of them tiptoed down to the dungeons, all expecting dank, dripping walls, gloomy and echoing rooms, and the like, but as this was Rivendell, the dungeons were bright and airy.

Saz, however, was not to be deterred, and hummed _The James Bond Theme_ under her breath, spy-like.

"Saz," Vee turned.

"Mm-hm? Dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun…"

"Shut up."

"Dee doo… OK."

Legolas hushed them both, and listened hard.

"I hear this…Dani."

Vee and Saz strained their ears. They could faintly hear Dani singing. Instinctively, they both covered their ears.

Legolas crept closer to the cell and threw open the door, at the same time as Dani yelled…sorry, sang, the chorus.

"HE WAS A SKATER BOY… oh my God, AN ELF! Kill him! KIIILLLLL!"

Legolas turned to Saz. "You forgot to mention this small fact."

"What fact?"

"Uh… the fact that she wants to kill me."

"Oh that one… it's irrelevant."

Legolas sighed. "Now, you two, I don't want you to touch the chains holding Dani; there's an enchantment on them."

Saz tapped him on the shoulder.

"Uh, Legolas, that enchantment?"

He whirled round to find Vee had just undone the chains. Dani took a step forward to murder, or otherwise maim, Legolas, as Saz screamed, "No, Dani, DON'T MOVE!"

It was too late… she had taken a step forward and suddenly a gigantic swirling mist had appeared in the shape of a whirlwind.

"Pretty," cooed Vee, entranced by the sparkles of glitter.

"GET DOWN, YOU MORON!" yelled Saz, but Vee didn't move, and suddenly a blinding beam of light surged out of the whirlwind and knocked them all to the floor.

The world went black.

* * *

So… how's that for a cliffie?

Click that little purple button…you know you want to…

OK.

NO NOT THAT BUTTON, THAT'S THE COMPUTER SELF DESTRUCT BUTTON!

BLAM

Houston, we have a problem, we have lost all contact with the BloomBabes…

THANK BLOODY GOD!


	6. The Cat Fight

_Hi guys, we had to re type this whole chapter because for some reason the computer deleted it._

I LOVE GREEN DAY!

_Shut up, Callie. Anyway, here comes the chapter so don't forget to review...

* * *

Saz awoke on a cold stone floor. Remembering the previous events, she sat up abruptly and looked for Vee, but the room was dark._

"Vee?" Saz hissed. No answer. "Vee?"

A shape on the floor stirred.

"Vee, get up NOW!"

"Do you really expect me to move when Legolas is lying on top of me?" Vee answered.

Saz felt around for what felt like Legolas' ribs and kicked them, hard.

Two voices yelled, "SAZ!" but both shapes reluctantly dragged themselves up.

All three stared around. Vee and Saz could see nothing.

"Legolas, what do your extremely acute elven senses detect?" Saz asked.

There was a pause as Legolas strained his eyes and ears.

"My extremely acute elven senses detect that we are in a very dark room," Legolas informed them.

"Well, _thanks_," Saz said sarcastically.

"If we're in a dark room, then all we need is some light," suggested Vee.

"Well concluded, genius."

There was a scratching sound in the darkness, like somebody trying to light a match.

"A match! Good thinking, Legolas," Vee said, relieved.

"What's a match?" Legolas asked, perplexed.

"Saz?" Vee asked nervously.

"No," said Saz. "Vee?"

"No!" cried Vee.

A small circle of yellow light appeared, floating in the dark.

"Who's that?" squeaked Saz.

"For God's sake, it's me," a voice said.

"Who's me, when she's at home?"

"It's Hollie," said the voice.

"Legolas, I can see something floating," whimpered Vee, who was several minutes behind.

"It's called light," Saz reminded her.

The circle of light floated away and there was a hiss as it lit a candle. The room became lighter and Hollie's face appeared.

"Where's Dani?" Saz asked.

"I don't know, I think she got transported home." Hollie's eyes widened as she spotted Legolas.

"Hey, hands off, he's mine," Vee snapped, and leaped into Legolas' arms. Luckily, he had more hand-eye co-ordination that Frodo, and did not drop her.

"Legolas is MINE," Hollie growled.

"No way," Vee snarled.

"I'll fight you for him!"

"Fine!" Vee leaped from Legolas' arms and squared up to Hollie. Saz took a step back.

"Legolas, I would advise taking ten steps backwards," Saz said. They both backed up against a wall.

Hollie and Vee collided in a flurry of slapping hands and screams of "_You've pulled my hair!"_ Legolas and Saz watched interestedly.

Aragorn suddenly flew through the door as Vee pinned Hollie to the wall and kicked her shins.

"What's going on here? I heard screams."

"They're fighting," Saz explained. "Over Legolas."

"Shouldn't we stop them?" ventured Legolas.

"No, this could be interesting." Aragorn made himself comfortable. "And besides, it's not like it's dangerous or anything."

There was a sharp sound as Vee and Hollie unsheathed swords from a crest on the wall.

"Why don't we stop it now?" Saz suggested.

"Nah," Aragorn's eyes watched the furious clashing of swords. They followed the blades with their eyes.

"Hiiiii-YAH!" Hollie hurled her sword at Vee, who ducked. The sword whistled through the air and wedged itself into the wall, centimetres from Aragorn's ear.

"Now," Aragorn decided. He and Legolas stood up and each grabbed a screeching girl. Hollie went weak in her other heartthrob Aragorn's arms. Surprisingly, however, Vee did not do the same with Legolas. She turned to face him.

"Legolas, much as I would now like to fall faint into your arms, I have a fight to win, so if you'll excuse me…" Vee struggled to reach Hollie, waving her sword in the air. Legolas was not going to let go, however, and struggled just as hard. Vee swung her sword…

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REVIEW PLEASE!


	7. Lorealf

Yes, so we've been away for a while… stupid bloody school…

_Callie! Don't swear in front of our younger reviewers!_

OH Shut The f..…

_QUICK! ON WITH THE STORY!_

There was a ringing silence.

"Oh my God, I cannot believe you killed Legolas," Saz said.

"I have not _killed Legolas_, I just – accidentally tapped him with my sword," Vee explained.

"That's why he's lying in a heap on the floor," Holly put in.

"I mean Vee, if I'd just met Jack Sparrow, I would never kill him," said Saz reasonably.

"I DID NOT KILL LEGOLAS!" screamed Vee.

Aragorn, who was standing looking at Legolas pensively, said, "He looks dead to me."

"Always so cheerful," Saz remarked.

Vee dropped to the floor and laid Legolas' head in her lap. "Legolas, I'm so sorry I hurt you," she cried.

Suddenly there was a gigantic bang and the whirlwind came again, but this time stayed for longer, and a small shape materialised, surrounded by suitcases.

"Laura!" Saz yelled. Finally their best friend was here to share the adventure. Then her brow wrinkled. "What took you so long?"

Laura gestured around her. "It's not a quick job, you know, packing 27 suitcases with Vee's stuff."

Vee stood up. Legolas' head smacked to the floor with a crash. Vee seemed not to notice.

"MY STUFF!" she yelled. "Do you have my hair straighteners?"

"Quick, Saz, here's your bag, before Vee pounces." Laura threw a small bag at Saz.

"MY STRAIGHTENERS!" Vee screeched. "DO YOU HAVE THEM!"

Laura looked shifty. "Err… no."

"NO!" Vee was flabbergasted. "How could you NOT?"

"After 6 hours' worth of packing I just lost the will to live," Laura sighed wearily.

"Well, how am I supposed to get my hair straight?"

"Here, try this." Aragorn produced a small bottle. "It's a hair-straightening serum." Everyone looked at him. "Er… Arwen… gave it to me," he explained, looking shiftily at the ceiling.

"Aragorn, were you by any chance looking through Arwen's stuff?" Saz asked.

Aragorn flushed. "NO… anyway, here you go," he threw the bottle at Vee, "that should keep you quiet for a while."

Vee examined the bottle. "Lorealf? Lory…elf?"

Legolas' head shot up from the floor. "Lorealf? Where?"

"I told you I didn't kill him," Vee called from the corner, where she was applying liberal amount of Lorealf to her hair.

Laura looked at Aragorn. "I cannot believe you use Lorealf!" she laughed.

Aragon blushed. "Well, I'm worth it too."

Saz looked at him. "O…kay…"

"What?" he asked.

"Never mind."

Legolas stood up. "My head feels like someone dropped it on the floor!"

"Funny you should say that," said Saz. Everyone looked at Vee, who pretended not to notice.

"And… I'm remembering things…" Legolas continued. He looked directly at Laura. "Tell me, small one, what exactly is a skater boy?"

"Less of the small, elf boy," Laura snarled. Legolas took several rapid steps backwards.

"Look," Aragorn interjected. "We really need to go upstairs because the Council of Elrond is about to begin."

"Ooh, this is a good part," Saz said.

"What!"

"Never mind!"

Vee started bounding up the stairs. "Oh, and someone will need to carry my bags."

"Not me," said Hollie, touched the enchanted chains, and disappeared.

Saz and Laura sprinted up the stairs and out of sight before anyone could say, "Er… what about you?"

"Turn around, touch the ground, bagsy not me," Legolas and Aragorn said in unison, noticed they were the last people in the room, looked at each other, sighed, and each lugged an armful of suitcases up the stairs.

"You see," Legolas grunted, carrying 14 heavy trunks, "this is why there are no women in the Lord of the Rings films."

"What are they?" panted Aragorn. There was a pause.

"I don't know," said Legolas. "I don't know why I said that."

_HA HA HA! THE POWER OF THE KEYBOARD PREVAILS!_

R&R PLEASE!


	8. Saz takes over

Hey everyone, thanks for the lovely reviews! Although it is only around half the number we had before…

ERIN, be thankful you have any reviews at all!

I'm just saying! And also, if anyone has the UK LOTR ROTK PC game, play as Aragorn and press 666666666. It makes him walk like the marooned Jack Sparrow in POTC. Hilarity.

OK, on with the story. Don't forget to review.

OH yeah, and we don't own anything. Yet.

They entered the council several minutes late. Aragorn and Legolas were red in the face from carrying all of Vee's bags, and Elrond was glaring at them from his seat. They stood for a moment in the doorway, Vee entranced by Legolas, Laura looking rather uncomfortable as everyone present was taller than her, and Saz stood staring open-mouthed at all the people she recognised. Vee settled onto Legolas' lap and was rapidly pushed to the floor.

Elrond seemed to be halfway through speaking. He started his lecture all over again for the benefit of the late.

"As I was saying, friends of old, strangers from distant lands, you have been summoned here…"

"Oh, shut up!" Saz said. Everyone went silent. Not even the birds dared to sing.

"Wow. I don't think even Sauron can do that," she said, amazed.

The assembled crowd gasped. "Mention not the Dark Lord's name!"

Elrond had other matters on his mind. "You dare to interrupt me?" he roared at Saz.

"Yeah," she said.

"Uh-oh." Vee and Laura looked at each other and gulped. Elrond's face was growing redder and redder, but Saz seemed not to notice, so she continued.

"OK, well, now we're ready to begin. Frodo, bring forth the ring, and Elrond, SIT DOWN!" she barked.

Frodo walked forward and placed the ring on the table as Elrond sat down, defeated. Boromir of Gondor stood up; while he opened his mouth to speak, Saz turned to face him.

"And you can sit down too," she said.

"But I –"

"No! We don't want to hear about how we should take the ring for ourselves."

"But –"

"Sit down!"

"But –"

SMACK! Saz had run out of patience, and slapped Boromir around the face. The crowd gasped again.

"I'll sit down," he murmured as fingermarks appeared.

"Right," she continued. "Legolas, do not argue for Aragorn," she pointed at him, "because if you don't already know, everyone, Aragorn is the heir to the throne of Gondor." Boromir's mouth had dropped open. "Yes – Gondor, Boromir, Gondor."

Elrond stood up.

"Before you say anything, Elrond, I know the ring must be destroyed."

Elrond again sat down, mumbling something about women always taking over everything.

Gimli started advancing on the ring.

"Wrong move, Gimli!"

"What?"

Saz lunged towards Gimli and snatched his axe from his hands. He hurriedly sat down with his hands over his head as she began waving it around; everyone leant back when it came anywhere near them. It swished very close to Laura's nose and came within millimetres of Vee, who wriggled backwards to take refuge under Legolas' chair.

Vee looked at Laura through Legolas' legs. They knew they had to act. When Saz got into her control freak mode, it could get scary. Laura kicked Saz between the knees (the highest body part she could reach) and Vee stood up and removed the axe from her hands.

Then Vee looked around; she was standing in the middle of a silent circle like a deer caught in headlights.

"Um… well, basically, what she was trying to say is that Legolas, Boromir, Aragorn, that dwarfy thingy, Gimu, was his name?"

"It's _Gimli_," Gimli hissed.

"OK, well, yeah, also Gandalf, Frodo, and…" she paused. "Oh wait, Sam, Merry and Pippin, who are hiding somewhere around here…" three sheepish hobbits emerged from either in some bushes or up some steps, "oh, and me, Saz and Laura, of course, have to go to Mount Doom and throw in that… pretty ring…"

Aragorn, sensing the danger, grabbed Vee before she picked up the One Ring, dragging her back to the edge of the circle. There was a slightly stunned pause before Saz broke free from Laura and pushed her aside.

"And we all have to promise to stick together!" She glared at Boromir in particular.

"Till death us do part!" Vee cried dramatically, flinging her arms back and mildly concussing Aragorn.

"Then so be it," Elrond said solemnly. "You shall be… the Fellowship of the Ring." Then his face turned into a triumphant expression. "Hah! Didn't get me that time!" he yelled, and pranced off. Vee and Laura tried very hard to hold Saz back.

Remember… read and review, or Saz will attack you with an axe!


	9. Mushrooms!

Hi guys! Thanks for the reviews! As you have noticed, we have changed the title. It just wasn't working for us any more.

_Yeah, the whole MEELLLLLOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNN! thing was good while it was 36 characters long and in block capitals, but somehow now it's not quite as eye-catching._

So now we've changed it to a joke that NOBODY WILL GET until Chapter 21. I know that's a long way away, but you'll just have to wait to find out, and there will be much hilarity along the way.

_So anyway. Read and enjoy, for this chapter really is a good one. Things can only get better!_

DISCLAIMER: We own nothing, not even Dr Pepper. Well, Laura owns a bottle, but we don't own the actual company.

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The Fellowship had been travelling for six days, along with 16 horses, ten of which were carrying Vee's stuff; the other 6 were being ridden. Elrond had ruled that 22 horses, one for each person and the rest for luggage, was too extreme, and as Vee refused to leave behind even the tiniest pair of tweezers, the Fellowship had had to share horses.

Vee had immediately bagsied Legolas; the hobbits were put together; Aragorn and Gimli reluctantly shared a horse; Laura was placed with her last choice Gandalf; and Saz was paired up with Boromir, because she'd been at the toilet during the whole debate.

"My initial reaction was to scream, then cry, but now I have the most overwhelming desire to kill Boromir," she had explained to Vee.

"Yeah, but I reckon something's going to happen to him later on," Vee had replied.

"Yes, you idiot, that would be his gruesome, unnecessary death later on," Saz had reminded her, and then looked round nervously to check that Boromir was nowhere in earshot.

Now the Fellowship was weary, and needed to rest, but every time Gandalf suggested it, Vee would refuse adamantly, and demand that they go on. It was only when Frodo fell asleep on his horse, and fell off into a stream, that Vee reluctantly dismounted.

"I had no idea Vee was so patriotic," Boromir hissed to Saz, as Gandalf lit a campfire.

"She's not. She just wants to spend as much time as possible riding with Legolas," Saz explained.

As Gimli stoked the fire, Pippin produced a large bag from his knapsack, and took out some mushrooms. He began cooking them over the open fire. Saz gazed around the group. Vee and Legolas were sitting in the midst of Vee's suitcases, discussing hair-straightening techniques. Laura was going completely hyperactive because she'd managed to smuggle some Dr Pepper into Middle Earth.

Soon the mushrooms were cooked and ready, and Pippin cut them up into pieces, leaving the largest for himself. Hobbits always expect strangers to accept food, and all the Fellowship knew this, and did. As Vee copied everything Legolas did, she also took a piece, and Saz accepted a small portion. However, Pippin then passed the plate to Laura.

"Oh, no thanks, I don't like mushrooms," Laura said. There was a gasp from the Fellowship. Vee and Saz looked at each other, and suppressed a giggle. They could both guess what was coming next.

"What?" Pippin said. "Oh, I get it. A joke. Funny joke. Ha. Ha. Ha."

"No, really, I don't like mushrooms," Laura protested.

The whole camp had gone deathly quiet, and all looked shocked, except for Legolas, who looked as though he was trying to figure something out.

"Of – of course you like mushrooms. Everybody likes mushrooms," Pippin laughed nervously.

"No, I don't," said Laura, blatantly unaware of the devastation she was causing.

"What is a skater boy?" Legolas burst out.

"This is not the time, Legolas," Saz told him.

"You…don't…like…mushrooms?" Pippin whispered, a tear glistening in the corner of his eye. Laura silently shook her head.

"I think I need to be alone," Pippin whimpered, and sprinted off.

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_Awwww, he's soooo cute!_

Erin, you like Frodo and Legolas, remember. Pippin is mine!

_OK, you know what to do, so please review._

Wow, Erin is a poet and she doesn't know it.

_Whoop-dee-doo, you are too._

Shut up, you.


	10. Friendly Bees

No, you cannot share Pippin. He is wholly and totally mine.

_Legolas is mine! I call first dibs!_

Whatever. On with the story.

DISCLAIMER: We own nothing.

PS This chapter? Not fiction. It ACTUALLY HAPPENED, give or take a few of the Fellowship. The bees part is true.

I hate bees.

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The camp was packing up after a restful night's sleep. Pippin had eventually returned to the site at 3am, and tried to sleep, still occasionally muttering, "She doesn't like mushrooms!" under his breath.

Vee was applying foundation. Saz and Laura were on standby with tissues. The rest of the Fellowship were actually working.

Suddenly, Vee stopped dead on the middle of her nose.

"What. Is. It. Is. It. The. Wrong. Shade." Saz said like a robot.

"No, I can hear something…" Vee strained her ears as she became aware of a faint buzzing.

"Wait… what's that sound?" Saz asked.

"Sounds like bees," Laura remarked.

"Friendly bees?" Vee asked.

"No, a swarm of bees!" Frodo yelled.

"OK, just back away slowly so as not to…" Vee began.

"Run!" Saz shrieked.

"No, it doesn't sound like bees," Laura started, "it sounds more like a..."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSPPPPPPPPP!" Saz screamed, and proceeded to take cover beneath a blanket.

"I'll take care of this," Vee said, picked up a flaming log from the fire and started waving it and shouting in the general direction of the wasp, narrowly missing Gandalf's beard. Merry and Pippin decided this looked like fun and started chasing Vee, also brandishing fire.

"Oh, for crying out loud," Legolas shouted over the noise. "All you have to do is..." As the wasp flew past him, he flicked it. "OWIE! It stung me! What do I do now?" Legolas cried, cradling his sore finger.

"Run!" the blanket shouted.

"Huh!" Legolas looked at the blanket, then confusedly around the camp. Saz's face appeared.

"It's perfectly simple, just run!" She then disappeared back underneath the blanket.

Gandalf by this time was so fed up of the whole charade that he yelled something in Elvish and blew up the wasp. Everyone froze, looking vaguely embarrassed.

"Good, now I have some peace and quiet," he grumbled.

"With Vee around?" the blanket said. Everyone looked at the blanket suspiciously, and then began moving towards it carefully. Sam prodded the blanket experimentally. It prodded back viciously. Sam leaped back with a yelp.

Legolas lifted up the blanket. Saz's face looked up at him.

"Oh, that's where Saz went," Laura said.

There was a pause before Vee started and exclaimed, "Wait! Where's Saz?"

Everyone looked at her sarcastically. "So what, you thought we were actually talking to a blanket!" Boromir snapped.

"Has the wasp gone yet?" Saz whimpered. Laura smirked.

"Let's get this straight," Legolas waved the blanket corner at her. "You're not scared of Elrond, nor orcs, nor the Dark Lord, but you were scared of _that?_"

"This coming from the elf who went all sissy from a wasp sting," Merry shook a disapproving log at Legolas. Legolas' eyes focused on the flames centimetres from his nose, but did not look worried. Instead, he looked kind of confused.

"What is a skater boy?" he asked, but was interrupted by bloodcurdling screams from Aragorn, who was desperately trying to beat out the flames in his beard whilst sprinting towards the nearest water source.

"Aragorn, how many times have I told you not to play with fire?" Gandalf said wearily.

"It wasn't me!" Aragorn wailed. Steam was rising from the water bucket.

"Suddenly I'm not thirsty," Frodo said hastily.

"If it wasn't you, who was it?" Gandalf asked.

Everyone's heads swivelled towards Pippin, who was clutching his flaming log apologetically.

"I could have sworn I saw a wasp in his beard!" Pippin whimpered.

"Well, Valar knows there's everything else in there," Legolas grimaced. Aragorn surreptitiously removed a scrap of meat from his moustache, inspected it momentarily, then remarked, "Mmm, flame-grilled," and popped it in his mouth.

_

* * *

EWWW! Aragorn is smelly!_

Hee hee, flame-grilled. How do we come up with these?

_I have to go. I am late for rounders club._

Sigh. Rounders. That's the sport we were playing when this whole bee episode happened in the first place. Maybe that's _why_ I hate rounders.

_Anyway. REVIEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWww_


	11. Elvish Trained Horses

Hi its just Callie here, Erin's of straightening her hair or something…

Oh my God we are so sorry we have not updated sooner, please don't kill us! It's just that we've had exams and everything.

BUT you can have the good news there are 22 and a half chapters written so there's one thing.

Alright consider this an early Christmas present after all its only 10 days away…

Disclaimer: We own nobody that you recognise yada, yada, yada. (You should be used to this by now)

* * *

After the camp had packed up the fellowship began to travel towards their destination- Moria. Gimli had been boring them all the way with sagas about his ancestry. 

"…and my cousin Balin is Lord of Moria and shall give us a royal welcome," Gimli was saying. His stories were literally putting everyone to sleep. Nobody wanted to here how Gruluc had lost his axe or how Kilogk had built an underground tomb which was still standing or whatever there names were it was of no consequence to anyone.

Vee was sound asleep in Legolas' arms. Laura was trying not to sleep- well, trying to avoid touching Gandalf. Saz was drifting off but for a whole different reason. Boromir was "treating" her to his own sagas but he took it personally when Saz's eyes began to droop.

"WAKE UP!" he yelled for the seventh time, waking the rest of the sleeping fellowship.

"I'm awake," said Saz with her eyes closed. Boromir shook her shoulders hard.

"Boromir," She said dangerously "I am sleep deprived and angry. Do not push me," He shook her shoulders yet again.

"Right that is IT!" Saz yelled dismounting "Legolas, these horses ARE elvish trained right?"

Legolas tried to nod without jiggling Vee's head.

"Good," Saz said grimly "Everybody hold on…except you Boromir you don't need to."

"Ok," Boromir said "Look no hands."

Saz found her moment. He let out a long whistle and the horses began to gallop off. Boromir slipped but his foot got caught in the horse's stirrup and his head was bouncing along hitting rocks. "Helllp!" he yelled as his horse galloped away in the opposite direction.

Saz stood watching the mayhem she had created. Gimli was teetering precariously on the side of his horse; it appeared Gandalf has his under control but Laura was as white as a sheet; the Hobbits were still going round in circles ("Uhh Merry, I feel dizzy," Pippin commented) and Vee was still sound asleep in Legolas' arms.

After about five minutes the fellowship had there horses under control and each and every one of them was glaring at Saz. However Legolas looked like something was troubling him.

"Vee,"

"Yes Legolas," she replied as she had woken up just five minutes before.

"What is a skater boy?"

"Oh God,"

"SAZ!" Gandalf's voice boomed

"Yes," she whimpered trying to smile sweetly but Gandalf was having none of it.

"Saz, you could have killed Boromir. What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking he was getting really annoying," She said "And it just might save the orcs a job," she mumbled under her breath.

"Pardon?" Gandalf snapped

"Nothing."

"Gandalf," Aragorn yelled "I've got Boromir," All the fellowship turned to see Aragorn leading over Boromir and his horse. They all rushed over to see what help they could give him, but Aragorn waved them away.

"Don't crowd him," he muttered "Boromir can you hear me?"

"Of course I can mother, is it time for breakfast already?" The fellowship turned to look at each other, each with the same bemused looks on their faces except Aragorn who looked scandalized.

"Aragorn," Laura said "Is there something you're not telling us? I mean first lorealf and now this…" she trailed off after she saw the murderous looked on Aragorn's face.

"Right we must get back on our trail," Gandalf said "Now Saz you will ride with…" He watched as the whole camp took steps backwards and waved their hands and mouthed "No way" at him or "Are you out of your mind" However the only one not protesting was Pippin who unfortunately for him was studying a rather large mushroom. "Pippin."

"It wasn't me," Pippin blurted out "I didn't do anything."

"I know that, but you're are going to be riding with Saz,"

"So you didn't know it was me that took Frodo's socks and…" he trailed off.

"That was YOU," Frodo yelled

"No…whatever gave you that idea," Pippin replied.

"Let's get moving," Aragorn decided. Everyone scrambled to there horse and remounted. Boromir was put on Merry's horse with some difficulty "But Mother am I going on a journey? Are you coming with me?" Aragorn ignored him and walked over to his horse as Boromir whimpered or rather screamed "MOTHER," after him.

"Let's go," Gandalf said and everyone set off towards Moria with screams of "MOTHER," punctuating the silence.

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There you go dear readers, that is chapter 11 of "Oh, tiarariffic: Middle earth is Doomed." Stay tuned for the next instalment which has possible one of the best lines in the whole thing in it…but I can't tell you what it is so you'll just have to read it. 

Ok people, PLEASE read and REVIEW. Thank you. Callie.

Over and Out.


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